Do we have the formalin bottles here?
They should be over there.
They're the ones labeled Fairchild.
- Here they are. - Yeah.
You have an extra one, too.
And Pathology knows this is coming up?
Yes. They've been notified.
Shoe, you got to tuck these arms in.
Okay, Doctor. I got it.
You got to tuck the arms in, hon.
Atta girl.
- Blood pressure steady. - 120 over 70.
Good.
Do you want me to get these?
No. I'll get it all. Add some prime.
This is the angle. You see. It's a very small ear canal round the tip to this.
- I need a... - You bet.
You watch the left, the left arm when he...
Yeah. No, the left arm when he goes to the right...
We lose this faded on prep, we're not going to cut the...
The first one's painless.
- Are we ready? - Just give it a sec, Doctor.
Yes, sir. Hey, let me have the scope.
Suction, please.
Okay, Keith, there it is. Come in and take a look at this.
See that small granular lesion down in there?
- Yeah. - That's the one.
Let's get a piece of that. Have a punch, please.
Well, when will we know?
Well, we should have this back on Monday.
It's going into the lab today.
Jesus, Gerry, she's gotta sweat out the whole weekend.
I don't think there's much we can do about it.
I know. Who's the pathologist?
Carlson. He's the best.
Yeah, you're right.
- Hi. - Hi.
You got a stat from Dr. Carlson.
How's the traffic?
Typical Friday. It was just terrible.
Is this your last pickup? Yes.
Well, it looks like I'll be here all weekend.
Why does it take so long?
It's complicated. It just takes time.
Does Gerry have an opinion? No.
- Do you? - I think it's benign.
I wish I could share that feeling.
It's what I think.
Are you going to tell Harv?
I'm not sure.
You know how he is, and he's been under such a lot of pressure lately
I'm really worried about him, Keith.
He's not been himself at all lately.
Are you going to tell anyone?
- What for? - Well, sometimes it...
If it's benign, I'll hit a C above top C.
No, no, not a great idea.
If it's malignant, they'll know soon enough about it anyway.
What if it is malignant?
We'll talk about that when we know.
I want to talk about it now.
Am I going to be able to sing again?
It depends.
That's why there's no use discussing it until we know.
And you won't know until Monday.
No.
Would you like a quick cup of coffee?
No. I've got to get back.
Thank you so much, Keith.
Get some rest. Try not to talk too much.
That's easier said than done.
You sure you're all right?
- I'm fine. - I'll call you tomorrow.
Okay. Bye.
- Hi, Corey. - Hi, Gillian.
Any messages?
Let's see, Josh called to that he will be staying at the
Beverly Hills and that he's bringing a friend.
- Anyone we know? - Do you know Fanny?
No. She's new.
Yeah. Kate called and said she'll be in at 10:30 on American.
Would you like me to pick her up?
No, I think I'll do that myself.
No tea?
Got a tickle in my throat, I just feel like water.
What, what you making?
Stew for tonight.
- It looks good. - It is.
You know, the whole family is going to be in for
dinner tomorrow night.
- Now, are we all set for Sunday? - Sure.
I don't need to talk about the torches for the beach.
- No. - And the band knows what time they're coming?
- Everything, darling. - Good.
You catching a cold or something?
I just think it's an allergy or something.
You wouldn't put onions in that stew?
You know how Harvey is about onions.
Yeah. Windy. Ha.
Yes, just a moment. Dr. Carlson, it's for you.
- I'll take it in there. - All right.
Dr. Carlson.
Hi, Phil, on that Fairchild biopsy.
Yeah, Keith.
- Yeah, I need a big favor. - What's that?
If it's possible, to view it on Sunday, I could meet you in the lab.
Dude, all fixed.
Push down on it, Dude.
Pull forward on it, forward.
Bye, Harvey.
Goodbye, honey.
Thanks. I'd invite you guys in but...
Don't sweat it.
Yeah, thank you very much.
Dope factory on wheels. Jesus.
- Who is it? - Me, Corey.
- Me, who? - Mr. Fairchild.
I do hope you remember me. Open the gate, please.
Son of a bitch.
Terrific.
Jesus!
What the hell is with this. Friggin' sprinklers.
Hello.
- You're all wet. - The friggin' sprinklers went off.
Ask me how my day was?
- How was your day? - I'm not going to tell you.
It all started this morning the minute I got in the car
I should have known. The damn thing, brand new,
sounds like it's making coffee.
You know if it had broken down before I got to the office
I could have saved myself this whole rotten day. Do you know where it is now?
It's on the yellow divider, in the middle of the Pacific coast highway,
somewhere down. Everybody's pissed off at me,
and I had to walk about a mile and a half
to find a pay phone to call the AA so that they would come and get the goddamn car.
Well, why couldn't you use the car phone?
You can't use a car phone when the engine is dead.
- It won't work. - Right!
Jesus, and then when I get to the office I find about 7,000 happy birthday cards.
Everybody is stunned that I'm going to be 60.
"We never thought you'd make it."
Yeah. "Roses are red..." "Roses are red..."
Yeah, "Tulips are yellow, you're certainly getting to be a very old fellow."
That's from asshole, my secretary.
Jesus, and then she... Where the hell are my cigarettes?
I forgot. I gave them up.
Then she tells me that Bill and Bob are early for their two-hour appointment.
I want to tell you, I do not have any conception
as to how the hell they became multi-millionaires with those goddamn
marts all over the country. They are...
They have the aesthetic realization of a newt.
Jesus, they keep saying, "These are"
"just supreme, wonderful, wonderful markets."
"We want them to look gorgeous."
They do not understand that a building and the structure and the materials themselves
can be aesthetically pleasing, for Christ's sake.
Because when they get what they want
and they tell me they want it beautiful and then they say,
"Well, what are we going to do with this space? What's that tower for?"
The tower's there because it's beautiful, asshole.
Jesus, a week and a half down the...
Do you know what...
What they want to put in front of the produce department?
A huge sign that says, "We Be Food."
- What? - You heard me. "We Be Food."
- What does it mean? - I don't know what the hell it means,
but Bill and Bob know what it means, because "They Be Dumb."
Jesus Christ, I should have been what I wanted to be,
a whore house piano player. I'll tell you something else, love.
I love ya, but I'm never going to make my 60th.
Harvey, why are you limping?
I lost my shoe running through the sprinklers, hit a rock in the ivy.
Probably broke my toe, again.
Christ, I don't know everything aches. Remember when I went last week
you know, to what's his name?
You know the ortho doctor for all those athletes?
And I said, why in the hell do all of my muscles ache
all the extremities... The joints, and my toe?
I never had pain in my toes before.
Take all of those damn tests. I see him this afternoon and he says,
it's probably bursitis or it could be
a mild arthritic condition common to people your age.
Unquote.
So, and then he says the entire thing may be due to stress.
A couple hundred dollars, he says, I got stress.
For Christ's sake, everybody has stress. Stress is normal.
I'll give him stress. I'll put him with Bill and Bob for a week.
Now that be stress!
You know what it is?
Gout.
Well, stress can lead to gout.
You're damn right it can. And, there is no pain in the world like gout.
It has to be gout.
Right now I bet you that my uric acid count is 14 or 15.
Henry VIII didn't have 15. I got 15.
That asshole's giving me with the bursitis. He, he.
Harvey.
I know you feel lousy, but I have to tell you, you've never looked better.
Are you out of your mind? For god... Look at this body, it's falling apart.
Christ, I got on the scales this morning, and three pounds I've lost.
You're telling me that I never looked better?
- You're not 21. - Well, Jesus that's easy for you to say.
You're a hell of a lot younger than I am, and you're a dancer.
- I'm a singer. - Well, you dance a lot when you're singing.
- Come here. - What?
- Come here. - Don't break anything.
Now stop. Just stop, honey.
You're going to make yourself really sick.
Look, why don't you take a nice warm shower,
put on a robe and come have a rest. You'll feel lots better.
Wanna sneak a peek at stiffy?
- You wanna? - God, do I wanna, but I...
Have your bath and we do a little change. We slip up the highway,
we got to Andre's and get one of those wonderful lobsters.
- Honey, I'd love to. - A little candlelight dinner and the wine...
I was just thinking we'd stay in tonight, you know.
- Why? - Corey's got a great stew all.
I just told you about the gout you're telling me I'm going to eat that man's stew.
- Harv! - He is the serial killer. Jesus!
He did not put a single onion in it.
No, no, it's the other stuff that gives me the gout. The onions only make me fart.
I tell you now I eat that stuff, by midnight that room is a disaster area.
- Harvey. - Come on, listen, love, please.
Jesus, after today. Come on, will ya?
God, I need a change. Some kind of a different ambiance.
Do you realize that for the last, what a month or something
we've just stayed home like a couple of old mopes that are
sitting in wheelchairs, ready to retire?
Well, honey, you're the one that wanted to stay home.
Well, I only stayed home because I thought you wanted to stay home.
Please. Come on, darling, please, come on.
You gotta be active, and...
Okay. I'll tell Corey.
But I'm going to take a rest first, okay.
Of course.
And I don't like the way you think. You think old.
You gotta change. You gotta get active, you know.
Remember that experiment with the mice.
You know, as long as they kept them moving their brains got bigger.
Thank you, my boy.
Once I had a better time. I can't remember when.
I'm sorry I was in such a rotten mood earlier, love.
I'm just. I can't figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
Why I feel... Anyway.
Put this little mother over here for now. You know what it may be, you know.
I have come, I hope, to a decision, that I may not,
if I ever live through Janice Kern's epic building
I may not design any more private homes after this thing, I tell you.
You know why? I formulated a theory that success breeds failure.
In this, you see, the more money you get, the more important the
private homes, at least, that you are going to do,
the more compromises you have to make.
And you know why?
You spend decades, like I did, trying to get famous
and getting clients that are richer and richer.
But the problem is, the client is always right.
You see. Because it's his money. He's never right.
But he's always right, because it's his money.
Anyhow, they equate personal taste in direct proportion
to the size of their bank account. And the more money they've got
the more they become the great arbiter.
You know, of what is exactly right.
And, and they don't know the hell the difference between
any aesthetic value and the function and the fine line between the two.
But they assume they know everything.
They assume that they know everything.
Jesus, just once I would love to be able to do a building
where I could say you know, like you would say,
"That's a bird. Or, or that's a net or that's a,"
"you know, a Frank Lloyd Wright, well that's a Fairchild."
There's not one building that I can really say that about.
- No, I disagree with that. - You know?
Come on, dear, Jesus Christ. Anyhow,
with Janice, who wouldn't know a munnion from a grunnion, for Christ's sake.
- A what? - A munnion.
- What's a munnion? - You know, a munnion.
A munnion is the large frame that holds, you know what a... Don't you?
I'll tell you what.
- Hey, come on. - Thank you. Anyhow,
she lives with...
Marries this poor old guy in his mid 70s or something
or other, you know, a sweet sugar daddy, and she...
What is she, in her 30s, early 30, I don't know.
Convinces him he's the world's greatest lover.
He tries to bury the herman every night, he croaks.
Well, what the hell else. And then bingo, she's a millionairess.
Hires me to build her mansion
and Jesus Christ,
every time, you know, she gives rise to the "couldn't we" syndrome.
You know, she's the original, "" girl.
That "That's lovely, that's lovely, but couldn't we..."
Did I tell you what the hell happened to...
What, the day before yesterday, I designed a staircase of Lucite and steel
free floating, double helix, it would... Orgasmic.
It was so beautiful. It came out better than I even thought in my mind.
It would have rivaled the one in the Vatican, you know,
which has nothing to do with the one that I did, but anyway.
It's there. Now it's done and I... Jesus, it, it's getting
ready to be hung and she walks in with that, "Harv, that's wonderful",
"that's lovely."
"But couldn't we..." I went for her. So help me God
I was going to garret her and take 25 years.
Jesus Christ.
I've been chewing on the same piece of meat for about five friggin' minutes
and it's as tough as a Cossack's salad.
Where the hell is Andre? Andre!
- Hon. - I can't believe this. Andre?
- Harvey. - Wait a minute, hon.
Hi, Gillian. Hi, Harvey.
- Hi, Andre. - Is everything okay?
How did you cook the lobster?
Well, the chef cooks the lobster.
Well, how did he cook it?
Well, I think he, takes hot boiling water...
He put it in boiling water.
Do you know what happens when you put a live lobster in boiling water?
He dies?
First he goes,.
- Harvey. - You're eating a traumatized lobster.
You have another way to cook the lobster?
Take the pot, fill it with a couple of bottles of dry white wine,
turn the heat on, and when it's just lukewarm
you put the live lobster in the warm wine.
He likes that. That is one happy lobster.
Keep turning the heat up. By the time that the wine is bubbling,
the lobster doesn't give a shit.
You're eating a relaxed lobster.
Who doesn't give a shit?
- Hello, Holly. - Hello, not my best friends in life,
my fabulous neighbors.
I'm so crazy about you, and even you, Gil.
- Thanks a lot, Holly. - Sure.
- Hello, Andre. - Hi, baby.
Listen, if you two aren't going to let me sell your house
why don't you just let me move in with you? Andre!
I mean, you could support me, I could...
I could retire. You could teach me about nutrition
I could just stand around glowing and regular.
It'd be great.
I think I'm going to go get a drink and let Andre fee me.
It's not such a bad deal. I sleep with him once a month.
Get three squares a week, free, whether I need it or not.
- Goodbye, Harvey. - Goodbye.
Gil, I'm in love with your husband.
I am, too, Holly.
Well, good. I'll see you at the party Sunday and I'll bring my pajamas.
Delicious.
As my mother used to say, she's mental.
Is that all you're going to eat? The soup?
I don't feel very hungry, darling.
Are you all right? I mean, your voice sounds kinda funny.
You're not coming down with a cold or something, are you?
- No, I'm fine. - You know we got the tour in what, four weeks?
So don't screw that one up. Have you been vocalizing?
I just think I have an allergy of some kind.
God, don't mention the word to me. Jesus!
Do you know I still have never breathed through both sides of
my nose at the same time?
60 damn years. Well, it was all of the tonsils and adenoids.
Regenerated five times, I had 'em. Well, you know that.
I think that's where I got those three mastoids.
Come on. Eat up. We're going to miss Josh.
Freeze! Let the girl go.
I think he's adorable.
He's wonderful. I wish he'd learn how to shave.
I think that's the macho thing these days. You know, it kind of
defines the contours of the face.
Bull, it's grubby.
- You all right? - No.
Sorta messed up the weekend?
Yeah. What are we gonna do about that?
Well, we could start by me showing you the
finer points of Bourbon Street.
Join us next week, when we see Tony Wilder go undercover...
I wonder if that was Fanny.
Who the hell is Fanny?
That's the young lady he's bringing down this weekend.
What, Yeah, what happened to Pamela?
That was the last time.
You... He's going to wear it out.
Not your son.
For those times when someone can't be there.
And cushiony. They are so...
There are some interesting statistics to support the belief
that some people are genetically predisposed to ulcers...
Hon?
Can you turn the sound down a bit?
Can you turn the sound down?
I'd like to talk.
The ratio of men to women with ulcers is two to...
I've been wondering if this tour is such a good idea.
What? What the hell...
Now, now, wait. Wait, wait, just hear me through.
You've been feeling poorly, and the shopping center isn't finished yet.
Well, hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Do not blame this on me.
I'll be fine.
- Bullshit, Harvey. - No, no, really.
I've never seen you so unglued, hon.
- You wanna know what it is? - I know what it is.
No, it's more than being 60.
It's...
I never, I never did what I wanted to do.
You know, and time has run out.
No, really. You know what I keep thinking of?
In the last week or two?
A time, one glorious night I had a revelation.
Absolute blinding flash. I was going to be the next Frank Lloyd Wright.
Well, you are, honey.
No, I'm not... I never will be.
My God, there's so much I wanted to do and
there's no time.
Well, that's what I'm talking about.
- Wouldn't it make more sense... - No, no,
- if we just canceled the whole thing? - Please.
If I went out tomorrow and built the damn Taj Mahal, I'd...
Remember the first tour? When I followed you all over Japan?
What the hell was it? 14 cities in 20 weeks.
I haven't had a piece of raw fish since.
You remember?
- It was fun, wasn't it? - God.
Remember when you couldn't hack it anymore,
- and you said you had to go home? - Yeah.
And you took the bullet train, and I saw you off, and cried.
And then two hours later you showed up in Kyoto because you couldn't bear to be apart.
- You knocked my socks off. - I knocked off more than that.
That was the happiest time of my life.
And I want to do it again.
I don't think that architecture is going to make me happy.
It's being with you.
Hon.
Wanna turn out the light?
Yeah.
- What's the matter? - The hip.
- Honey. - Take it.
- Wait, wait, wait. - What's the matter?
No, wait, be right back.
- Where, where are you going? - To the bathroom.
- Gil. Hi. - Hi, Holly.
Why do we do this?
Three lousy pounds and I'm losing it all in my boobs.
I mean, my stomach is bigger than my breasts.
I think I'll have that operation where they just slice you across here and lift
the cookies and candies right into your boobs.
Magnificent.
I'll be so delicious and molestable.
I was molested as a kid, you know.
You're supposed to say by whom.
And I'm supposed to say, by everybody.
And you're supposed to laugh and it's supposed to be a great joke.
But it's not funny, 'cause I was molested by my best girlfriend's father.
Although I was never sure that it was really molesting,
just some gentle stroking.
We used to go in the bathroom and open the door and he had this big erection.
I thought that's the way penises were supposed to be.
Actually they are whenever I see them.-
Well, lovely to see you. I gotta dash.
You need any help with the party tomorrow?
- I'd love it. - Good because I'm absolutely free.
I haven't sold a house in a month.
- Well. - But please don't worry yourself about it.
- Are you all right? - Sure.
Well, you look absolutely gorgeous.
- See you tomorrow. Bye. - Bye, Holly.
Hey, love.
Why didn't you wake me this morning? I could go walking with you.
Good morning.
You were sleeping like a babe and I was up so early..
Well, anyhow, I just remember. I got a nine o'clock doctor's appointment
and then a business thing, so I can't go...
A doctor's appointment? -...Pick up Kate at the airport. Yeah.
On a Saturday?
- Yeah. - With whom?
- With Keith. - What for?
Well, I got to get the uric acid. I feel like shit!
- That's what for. - Did he call you?
Well, I don't... What the hell difference does that make?
None.
I just wondered, that's all.
- Okay, I'll pick up Katie Q. - Yeah.
- We'll see you back here. - I sincerely hope so. I love you.
Aren't you going to shave?
Rest the skin for... I got a tiny little itch going there.
Christ, I hope it's not, what is it? Yeah, contact dermatitis.
Will passengers for American Airlines flight number 237...
Okay. -...Please pick up your baggage at carousel three.
Yes, sir, that's the one.
Honey bun, I'm so glad you could make it.
Yeah, me too.
Thank you.
The Parking Zone is for the loading of passengers only. No parking.
- Well, Harv. - Yeah?
Your heart is strong.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with you physically whatsoever.
- There's nothing wrong with me? - No. You're in great shape.
I'm in great shape?
Keith, did you ever hear the story about the fighter
that was losing badly, you know, to the other guy?
He's getting the hell kicked out of him.
And he comes back to his corner between rounds,
and his manager, says, "Keep up the good work, kid, because"
"the other guy isn't laying a glove on you."
And the fighter says,
"Then you'd better keep your eye on the referee,"
"because somebody is kicking the shit out of me."
What the hell do you mean, nothing's wrong with me?
You're kicking the shit out of yourself, Harv.
Keith, what... How do you... Jesus.
God, I love you, you're a wonderful doctor and, and...
You're missing something, because every bone in my body,
every nerve, every fiber, every...
Everything.
Jesus, I feel terrible all the time. I'm depressed.
I have headaches. I can't
function. I...
On top of everything else, Keith, I think I'm impotent.
It's in your mind, Harv.
That's why I think you should see a psychiatrist.
And shave.
Well, it should be kind of fun.
I mean, we've got a nice big tent on the beach and.
Andre's going to cater.
You know, just ribs and chicken and Mexican food.
And there's a little band. And a really great crowd are coming, so,
with any luck you'll have a good time.
Sounds great.
You're very quiet.
I'm a little tired. I didn't get much sleep last night.
What's up, hon?
Steve?
You know, he...
The entire length of our relationship, he's been telling me to
be honest and loosen up, and say what I mean.
And the one time that I say what I'm really feeling.
And look what happens.
Well, what happens?
He couldn't handle it. And we had this unbelievable fight and...
And that's it. We broke up.
Let's not tell dad about it. Okay?
I just don't want to talk about it anymore.
Fine.
My God!
There's a fortune-teller in Malibu.
- You're kidding? - No.
- Janice? - Down here.
- Hi, Harv. - Hi, Janice.
Look at you. I'm sorry I'm a little late, but I had to bail my car out.
Did you get a copy of the revised plans for the bedroom staircase?
What do you think?
- Wonderful. - But...
Look, I've been here about an hour or so,
and I had a chance to really get into the feel of the place.
And, well, I've just noticed a few things that maybe we could change.
Here.
Sure.
Come on. I'll show them to you.-
I've been out on the balcony and I was looking at this beautiful view.
- Isn't that a ripper? - Isn't that beautiful.
- Yeah, yeah. - And I turned around and I looked at my beautiful house.
- Yeah. - And I thought to myself,
- I know what can make it more beautiful. - What?
Dadoes.
- Dadoes? - I want dadoes all across that ceiling edge
- and fascia on the dadoes. - Fascia on the dadoes.
- Harvey, have something to eat. - First we have to settle
- the construction. - Here.
Now, let's eat something here.
Sit down. We can talk while we eat.
Well, I'm not really hungry.
- Let's have some caviar. - Christ, I can't eat that.
That's a tactile problem. It only gets to here.
How about some strawberries?
Strawberries? The one thing that makes me break out in a rash. I'm sorry.
- Well, can you have some bread? - Bread's good.
- Here, have a bun. - Thank you.
I am so excited about getting this place finished, I can't tell you.
Yeah, me too.
Now I was thinking about the master bedroom.
There's something I haven't told you yet.
- What? - Could we just lose those sheer walls?
I want glass. All glass.
So that at night, after making love, I can walk out onto the terrace, with those
sliding glass doors opening, and I can feel the
wind on my body and smell that ocean and just see those stars.
And hear the roof crash down. That's our only support wall.
- Harvey, you'll figure that out. - I will?
Well, look at that ceiling. I mean, it just rises up like the Sistine Chapel.
I mean...!
Could we get a painter to come in and just, just paint a mural across that ceiling?
It would be spiritual.
Did you forget to shave this morning, Harv?
- Yeah. Excuse me. - What is it?
God damn.
- Are you all right? - Yeah, sure.
God, these boots are killing me.
Harvey, would you help me with my boots?
Sure.
I think you're going to have to turn around.
Yeah.
Aha! There you go.
I have to loosen this up for you.
Ready?
- Okay. - Ha, ha, there you go.
- Harvey. - Yeah?
It can happen to any man.
- It's no big deal. - It's a big deal to me.
Well, maybe you should see a psychiatrist.
Yeah.
Damn!
Ha, ha, ha. Hi.
Hi.
I miss you so much.
- How are you? - Give me a hug.
- New York's done great for you. - Yeah, you think?
- Where's your stuff? - In the back.
In the back. Okay.
Feel like a cup of coffee?
- Boy, do I. - Come on, then.
- Who's that? - Look.
It's Meggie.
- Hello. - Hi.
- Hi, Meggie. - How are you?
Hi, Mom.
- You look okay. - My God!
Can I hug you?
Of course.
- How you doing? - Okay.
Good. I baked you some cookies.
- You did? - Some wheat-free cookies.
- Thank you. - Your nails.
Well, that's what comes with pregnancy.
- Yeah? - Yours look great! How's Steve?
- Don't ask. - Really?
- Yeah. - That bad?
- Well. - Dear.
Well, I've given up smoking
and junk food and spicy food and drinking.
And you name it I've given it up.
God, you look great.
- Thank you. - I'll get us the coffee.
- Herb tea, please. - Yes, Megan.
In fact, I was dancing up until a couple of weeks ago.
And I was even on point up until my fifth month.
I looked pretty stupid, too.
In fact, Larry took a picture of me in a tutu
that came up to about here and I looked like one of those hippos in Fantasia.
- It was really... - How's Larry?
He's frustrated. I also gave up sex.
- Ladies, would you like something to eat? - Yeah.
- How about a seafood salad? - Yeah.
- All right, one seafood salad coming up. - Not for me.
- Thanks. - Okay.
So Josh just called me.
Do you want me to help with that?
He's at the Beverly Hills Hotel with Fanny. No, thanks, Corey.
- Fanny? - Fanny.
God.
Did you see that interview in TV Guide?
Yeah, wasn't that great.
I think he comes off really well.
Thanks.
- I think he's going to be a, thank you, a big star. - Yeah.
I bet you Dad has a problem with that.
Where is Dad?
Bless me Father for I have sinned.
I...
I've been swearing a lot, lately.
How long has it been since your last confession?
I don't remember the exact date.
- Using the Lord's name in vain a great deal. - Over six months?
Yes.
Had some impure thoughts
and, I've not been treating others as I would have them treat me.
Anything else?
I nearly committed adultery.
Define nearly?
Well, it didn't really happen. I mean, nothing...
I've been having a lot of trouble with this lady lately,
you see, and I was just trying to make peace, that's all.
She misinterpreted the signals.
It wasn't, it wasn't, it was mostly mental you see.
And, if something could
happen, I can't...
I can't function.
Father. God, maybe... I'm sorry, I...
Maybe I shouldn't be speaking to you.
- I should speak to a doctor, or another man or... - I am a man.
I'm a man of God.
You're in the right place for your body and your soul.
Well,
at this point in my life,
I don't understand anything. I feel like,
a failure. As an architect
and as a husband, a fraud.
I became an architect for all the wrong reasons, and I'm a failed Catholic.
And God, I haven't been to confession, Father, for 36 years.
My senior year at Notre Dame, and I only did it then because of my roommate.
He kept...
Lord, if envy is a sin, I'm...
I'm beyond redemption. He was All-American everything, you know.
Just, he was, the country's best fullback and an honor student.
And he had every girl in town. And I loved him, but I hated him.
Phony Tony Baragone.
I haven't seen him since we had a fight about a girl.
I can't even remember her name.
Helena Montefasco.
- Tony? - Hello, Harv.
Macho bullshit.
I wanted to tell mom that story.
Mom, the greatest thing happened to Fanny and I the other day on the set.
We were shooting somewhere down on Bourbon Street or something.
Yeah, we were in the French Quarter or somewhere like that.
Somewhere in the French Quarter. I don't remember exactly.
Anyways, Fanny's got this boyfriend who is this gloriously ancient extra.
He can't see, can't hear and he's gotta be about 90 years old.
- The A.D. walks up to him... - This is great spaghetti.
Sticks him on a bicycle, puts him about two miles down the road
- and he says... - Just like Momma used to make.
Yeah? ...When you see Fanny walk up to Josh,
that means the scene has begun, you should start riding as
fast as you can 'cause you got news. I always use a spoon.
Fade out. Fade back in.
It's about 15 minutes later. The director's doing some
- last minute lighting adjustments on the set. - I'm not Italian.
Fanny walks up to him with a character question.
The old guy down the road now thinks it's his cue.
He starts riding like a bat out of hell.
Fanny and the director are oblivious to all this,
'cause they're having an in depth discussion.
Me and the rest of the guys are going crazy off camera,
'cause the A.D. is running as fast as he possibly can.
Waddling down the middle of the road after this guy, screamin' "Stop, stop!"
And the guy isn't going to stop because he can't hear a thing.
Eat, eat, go ahead.
It's about 10 or 15 minutes later
the director's ready with the shot and everything,
and he says, "Okay, let's get everything."
"Where's the guy with the bicycle?"
The A.D. walks up to him. He says, "Well, he went home."
"But he said it was a pleasure working with ya."
- No? - Excuse me.
- If you don't eat, you get no dessert. - Killer, I'm sorry.
It's my favorite spaghetti, too.
Where did he learn to talk so fast?
Where do you think?
Good.
Josh.
You shaved?
Yeah?
And Larry, you didn't shave.
No, I caught Josh's show and I wanted to be a little more macho.
Grubby, grubby.
It doesn't work as well. Larry...
It doesn't work.
Larry, honey...
Kate, would you kick Larry for me please?
Larry.
Honey, would you pass me the salt?
Yeah.
Don't eat too much of this. You're not supposed to.
Hey! Hey!
You all right?
Yes, I'm fine, are you all right?
Yeah, I'm fine.
How's this, watch. Larry, one handed.
- Hey. - Hey, paisano.
What do you think of Fanny?
- She eats like a pig. - Honey.
Well, she can't hear me, dear. Watch, Fanny, you eat like a pig. You see?
It doesn't matter as long as you get it to your mouth.
I'll tell you one thing, though, If this kid of ours doesn't stop living in a
sexual fantasy world or something, he's going to come down with something serious.
Does everybody have what they want?
Would anybody like seconds?
I'll have seconds.
Well, I would like to make a toast.
To daddy,
on his 60th birthday and in two months, to be a proud grandpa.
Yeah. Grandpa Harv.
Grandpa Harv.
I hate that. Will you do me one favor, will you, darling?
Please, when it arrives, he, she, whatever,
do not let the child ever call me granddaddy, grandfather,
grandpa, grand anything.
Please. I hate it.
- Well, what's he supposed to call you? - Jesus.
A nickname. God, I used to call my grandmother Noonie, for instance.
- Noonie? - Yeah, Noonie.
- And with respect. - Yeah, I called my grandpa Jaju.
Yeah, well it doesn't have to you know, be... What's granddaddy in Gaelic?
- I don't know. - It's...
Granddaddy.
- That's Scotch and it's not funny. - Scotch is a drink.
- You know what I mean. - I know what you mean,
but I don't understand why you're so worried about becoming a grandfather.
I don't like it.
I don't know what's wrong with you, 'cause I'm looking forward to it myself.
With you it could be next week.
With him it could be already.
Well, I don't know what's so wrong about calling you grandpa.
Well, I like Noonie.
Wait a minute. This is a democratic family.
I say we take a vote.
All those in favor of a Noonie like name raise your hands.
Okay, all those in favor of Grandpa Harv.
- Yeah. - I like Jaju.
Reminds me of the time we got that cat, remember that?
- You mean Kate's cat? - Yeah, Katie's cat.
The one... We couldn't figure out a name for him.
Katie kept coming up with names like Froufrou and Fluffy and stuff like that.
So we all got together and every single name we came up with,
Kate didn't want anything to do with.
So, finally Pop turns and whispers to the rest of us,
"The next thing out of her mouth is going to be what we call the cat."
All right. Now, Katie, you know, you know I love you,
but at six years old, you were a pain in the ass.
And I turn around and I say, "What the hell, let's call the cat Bananas."
And you say, "Bananas, we might as well call him Apples!"
And the family gets up on their feet and say, "That's it! Apples!"
You've never seen such a look of astonishment on this poor girl's face.
And the name Apples stuck with the cat ever since. Now, that is diplomacy.
As long as you're telling stories, why don't you tell
the one about your cheesy feet?
How when you took your shoes off and the rubber plant died.
- I was 14 years old. - What?
Your feet were like they were a hundred.
Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye, goodnight. Goodnight, Kate.
- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
- Goodnight, Gil. - Goodnight Larry.
How do you keep so skinny?
Thank you. I love it.
Goodnight, Mother. Nice seeing you, dear.
- Twenty minutes of goodbyes. - Dinner was fantastic.
Lovely to have seen you. Be early tomorrow, okay?
We'll be there bright and early.
Hey, Josh, look, you rented a limousine? What, they run out of Ferraris?
Yeah, they give them to all the big TV stars.
- Keep your eye on it. It'd be perfect behind my hearse. - Stop it!
That's all right. You're still in the will.
Well, I don't think it's funny.
- God, you are being morbid tonight. - You really are.
Why don't you pull yourself together? People are talking.
- People are talking. - Goodnight, Josh.
- Goodnight, Mom. - Josh, Josh, wait a minute, wait a minute.
We have some brownies for Fanny. Thanks.
Goodnight, killer.
Goodbye, goodbye. Remember the time we were all sitting
- sitting around and talking saying goodnight and... - Goodnight.
- Goodnight, Josh. - Goodnight.
Hey, Fanny.
There's a Big Mac about a mile down the highway.
Great idea, Harv.
Goodnight. Wrap up, Meggie.
What is the matter with you, Harv?
What do you mean?
I'm telling you. You did nothing but talk about death and hearses.
Death is an important part... You're lucky I'm not an Eskimo.
Do you know what happens when they die?
Family puts them out on the ice, they're frozen solid.
A bear comes along and eats him and they eat the polar bear
and then you become part of their life.
- Goodnight, Corey. - Goodnight.
Fanny would love that.
No!
God!
- Harvey, Harvey! - No, No!
- What are you doing, darling? - What?
- What are you doing? - What?
- Are you all right? - You all right?
- What is it, sweet? - Nothing.
- Nothing! - Nothing. I'm just I'm working out the kinks.
- Honey, honey. - I don't know what's wrong with me.
I don't know.
Jesus, everything aches and I can't think.
I think...
Afterwards.
Christ, I say things, I do things, then afterwards I don't believe it.
I just...
Why?
The kids...
They've grown, they've gone off, they've got their own lives.
And God, I miss them so much
and then when I see them I behave like some monster.
How the hell could I do what I did to Josh tonight, my Josh.
- My love. I love him with all my heart and soul. - I know you do.
Jesus Christ, it's like I'm trying to cut them off and to lose them, but I love them.
Christ, if I lose them, I lose you, and I would rather be dead.
- Never, honey. - I want to die. So help me God, I just...
Honey, come back to bed.
- What the hell are you doing? What... - Come back to bed.
No. Christ.
I can't.
I think I'd rather have some fatal disease and know it,
than live with something I don't understand.
You know, earlier I had this...
I had a dream that I finally had built the world's tallest,
most beautiful building just so I could jump off it.
Do you know what I was trying to do just now? Bicycle myself to death.
- Harvey, honey, get off the bike and we'll... - No.
And we'll talk. Come on, off the bike now, right away.
- No. - Come on.
All right.
We're just going to talk about this until you feel better.
Honey, if you were having such a bad time, why didn't you awaken me?
I didn't want to bother you.
Come on, get into bed.
What do you have this blood pressure cup for?
- I wanted to see how high I could get it. - And how high did you get it?
Not very high.
Just shows how fit you are.
Harvey, don't ever say such terrible things again.
I tell you, if you did anything silly, neither Meggie or Josh
nor Katie or I would ever forgive you as long as we live.
I tell you, maybe you should talk to somebody.
Maybe you should see a psychiatrist or something.
Everyone wants me to see a psychiatrist.
Who's everyone?
I opened the present that Josh got me.-
- You know what it was? - What?
A beautiful new fishing reel.
We haven't been on our annual fishing trip for four years.
Well, you'll go again soon.
- He's trying to tell me something. - So take him fishing?
You know what the card said?
- Josh's card? - Yeah.
What?
"Roses are red, tulips are yellow..."
God!
I'll be so glad when the rainy season hits
and I don't have to run my ass off for the legs I'll never have.
I can just sit in my cozy room with some chocolate eclairs
three sit-ups in front of the Today show and not be guilty.
I'll be guilty, but it'll be raining and there's nothing I can do.
I can't afford to get my skin in water.
You know, when I was a kid I was sort of the class clown,
a fool that nobody could get close to.
And I didn't want anybody to 'cause I was sort of running scared.
But I knew things about people. I don't know why I did, I just did.
I knew when my Mom and Dad were going to have a fight,
I knew my sister didn't really like me.
And I knew the day my Dad went to work that he was never coming back.
And I know something about you.
And I think you need a friend to talk to.
Gillian.
Gil.
- Who is it? - Pico Rents.
- Drive through. I'll meet you in front of the house. - Thank you.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Look, I just had time to go and make some coffee,
I had to leave the pancake mix.
Could you do me a favor and fix them for me, while I go
- meet the guy with all the party equipment? - Sure. Yep.
- Okay, thank you, love. - Join you later.
All right.
Morning, hon.
- Good morning. - How did you sleep?
I didn't.
- Want an egg? - No thanks.
I'm sure Corey's got some bacon in the oven.
You wouldn't like a nice protein breakfast?
I just want some cereal.
How come you didn't sleep?
Because that bed in my room
has to be one of the most uncomfortable beds I've ever slept in.
There's a huge bar that sticks in the middle of my back all night.
I'm sorry.
You might want to do something about that, if the grandparents come and stay.
I will. I'll tell Corey about it.
What happened to my bed?
I sent it into storage. I thought the couch in there
might make the room look a little bit bigger, you know.
It was a great bed.
Were you, by any chance, on the phone about two a.m. this morning?
Yes.
I saw the light. I wasn't sure, if it was you or Corey.
I was on the phone at two and again at four. I think I started around ten.
Why?
Because I was worried about Chutney.
I was calling and calling all night
and I kept getting the sound of my own voice on the answering machine.
"Hello, you've reached 5-5-5-0-4-2-3."
Honey, I'm sure Chutney's just fine.
How can she be fine if she's been alone all night?
Well, you don't know that for sure.
Mom, he never came home.
Or perhaps he just chose not to pick up the phone.
And why would he do that?
I don't know.
I do. Because probably he's been with Louise.
She's been flirting with him, and trying to get him into the sack
since the first day they started rehearsal,
I bet you anything that's what he's doing.
Do you really think that Steve would do something that silly so soon?
Well, the way things have been going lately, I wouldn't put it past him.
God, if he's with her already I'll die.
Katie, it is not the end of the world.
Well, perhaps he was with whatever her name is,
and you'll just have to face that, all right?
It's part of growing up and you'll handle it, that's all.
Son of a bitch.
Killer strikes again. Waxed the floors and never told me. Hi.
- Good morning. - Good morning, love.
I'll take this with me. I'm going to catch the 10 o'clock mass.
What?
I'm going to church. Bye.
Church?
I'm Harry Birrel and these are the headline stories at this hour.
Denver FAA investigators probing the cause of jetliner crash in the Rockies.
324 lives lost.
Los Angeles County Health Department warns of outbreak of influenza.
Anti-flu shots advised for the elderly. These and other stories coming up.
Weather wise, little change is expected, but there is a hint of rain later this week.
Keith, I'm sorry to bother you.
I hope I didn't get you in the middle of an emergency or anything.
It's Harvey I'm worried about. He... Well, I don't know what he is.
He was weeping last night. He was talking about suicide. I'm beside myself.
- I don't know what to do. - I know.
I've had a word with him, and if it's worth anything to you at all,
I've given him a complete physical checkup and there's nothing wrong with him there.
But I have suggested that I think it's time for some therapy.
What is your first name, please? Only your first name.
Marvin.
Marvin? No, I do not think it is Marvin.
What is your first name really?
Harvey, Marvin's my middle name.
Harvey Marvin.
It's a musical name. You're musical, yes?
Well...
- You play, you are musical? - Yeah, I...
Well, Harvey, for 20 dollars I read crystal. 15 for you.
20 dollars for the left palm. 40 dollars for both.
And 50 dollars for ears.
You read ears?
Yes, Otology. One of the earliest enlightenments.
Very profound. But of course, it is not my eternal favorite.
My favorite is feet.
Feet?
An ancient oriental wisdom, passed down from the most holy ones,
the sacred monks of Tibet.
Whatever you... Give me the whole enchilada.
Bravo, Harvey Marvin.
Harvey, lend me your ears.
Harvey...
Such beautiful ears.
Your lobe is very long. It makes you very intelligent.
Very intelligent.
You have a long lifeline. You are going to live a very long time.
- That's reassuring. - You've been worried about your health.
Yeah.
Harvey...
- What? - You've been married a long time.
- Yes. - Your wife, she loves you very much, Harvey.
She finds you very attractive.
My God. Well, I find her very attractive, but...
You're having a little problem.
Yeah. Yes, I...
But you have much love to give her,
even though you are not giving much lately.
Harvey, it is very important to know about the feet.
The foot is the soul of the libido.
- Harvey, what beautiful ankles. - Yeah?
Look at the way metatarsal meets the phalanges, right across the arch.
It's very powerful. Beautiful arch. Harvey.
Do you know what they say anthropologically?
They believe that a man ran before he walked.
I think, Harvey, you are a runner.
You're going too fast in your mind.
- You go much too fast, you must slow down, Harvey. - Yeah.
Just slow down. All your problems are in your mind.
That's, you know, nobody's played with my toes since I was a kid.
- My mother, she... - Your mother was a wonderful woman.
And she used to play with it and she'd recite that nursery thing.
- You know, this little... - Piggy.
- Went to Poland.
Poland?
And this little piggy went to Rome.
And this little piggy ate pork chops,
and this little piggy had none.
But this little piggy, Harvey, this little piggy went,
all the way home.
My God!
It has long been a custom of mine to
invite a parishioner
to read from the gospel.
However, I do have an added distinct pleasure,
in welcoming a new member to this parish of ours.
And this new member happens to have been
an old college chum of mine at Notre Dame.
From those college days he went on to become
a famous architect.
His name is Harvey Fairchild.
And it has been some time, he tells me,
since he has been in the House of God.
It's fitting that he's an architect.
Because Jesus Christ was perhaps the greatest architect of them all.
And when Jesus said,
"Thou art Peter and upon this rock I will build my church."
It occurred to me that I could say,
"Thou art Harvey and upon this parish"
"I will build my church."
Harvey Fairchild.
Mr. Fairchild will read from the Gospel according to Saint Matthew,
chapter five, verses 28 through 30.
28, 28, 28...
"You have heard that it was said to the ancients, 'Thou shalt not commit adultery.'"
"But I say to you that anyone who"
"so much as looks with lust at a woman has already"
"committed adultery with her in his heart."
"If the right eye is an occasion of sin to thee"
"pluck it out and cast it from thee,"
"for it is better for thee, that one of thy members should perish"
"than that thy whole body should be thrown into hell."
"And if,"
"if the right hand"
"is an occasion of sin to thee,"
"cut it off and cast it from thee,"
"for it is better for thee that one of thy members should be"
"lost than that thy whole body should go into hell."
Let's have some plain speaking here.
Adultery is a mortal sin.
It is a sin against God.
It is a sin against humanity.
It is a sin against the church.
Holly, this is better than that classical shit Harvey will try to go and play.
I love it. Here, let me help you with that.
- Mother... - Yeah, I'll be right with you, darling.
- What is it, darling? - I think you should go and check on Kate.
- She's in her room. She's having a real bad time. - Okay, thanks.
- Larry, one on every table, please. - Got it.
Thank you.
Gil, have you got any games? I know you have the band and the dance...
I have a surprise arranged for you. Trust me.
Mom? Mom you want a ride up to the house or something?
No thanks, darling. Just be sure everybody gets something to eat, okay?
Just a second. Wait a minute, sweetheart.
I need to know what to do with these extra napkins.
- I'll be right back down, Corey. - But I need to know now.
Right back.
- Can I come in? - Sure.
Please, don't stop.
I hear you so seldom.
Sounds like Julliard was a good idea.
Having a bad time, darling?
My love.
Why don't you just let it all go? Darling.
My love.
There, there.
Let it go, hon.
Dear, dear. This young man of yours has really caused some problems.
Just let it all go.
- I'm sorry. - It's okay.
I didn't mean to lay all this on you this weekend.
I know you've enough on your plate as it is.
It's all right, darling.
God, I haven't done this since I was about six.-
I wish I didn't have to feel this.
I wish I could just turn the feeling off and not feel anything.
Darling.
Don't say that.
Just be grateful that you can feel.
Wouldn't it be terrible to be someone who went through their whole life
without feeling anything?
Life's so short, Katie.
You have to make every moment count.
It's not easy to do, you know.
I don't think there's a day goes by where I don't
turn my back on some small thing or
some issue somewhere.
And it's so short, Katie.
If you're not careful, the days go by and all you have time for is regret.
No.
Better to be someone who can seize the issue and let those feelings come through.
You know, you're right.
This bed is a lethal weapon.
Someone will get that.
Feeling better?
God damn it!
Is there no one around?
- Yes, who is it? - It's Steve.
Chutney!
Come on. Good girl.
Don't you take another step, until you tell me where the hell you've been!
What do you mean, where the hell I've been?
I've been on airplanes!
All night?
Yeah, all night. Zigzagging across the country.
What did you do with her?
I put her in the box.
I mean, did you take her in the plane with you or did you put her in the hold?
Put her in the hold.
I couldn't take her on the airplane.
The first time I tried to get her on the airplane I was kicked off the plane.
My God, did you at least give her a tranquilizer or something?
No, no, I didn't give her a tranquilizer.
I didn't even have a tranquilizer. I tried to get on a
plane and I couldn't. It doesn't matter I'm here, does it.
God!
Wait a minute.
The least you could have done was call first.
I couldn't call. I couldn't call because I was on a plane.
I had to take seven airplanes to get out here.
Okay? How could I take the time to give you a call when I'm up in the sky?
Harvey, great to see you again. . Thank you.
- Great to see you. - Truly, truly, truly grand.
- Thank you. - Love seeing you.
I hope I wasn't too tough on you out there.
No. As a matter of fact, that's what I wanted to...
I think I function as a priest the way I functioned on the football field.
There you were out in the, out in the grandstands
watching me take it right up the middle again, and I hope I wasn't offensive...
- No. - Today.
Pluck your right eye out, if it offends you. Cut your hand off if it offends you.
It sounds mighty tough. It sounds like some Arabic justice.
And of course, this is a Christian society we live in and I didn't mean...
It's just to be taken figuratively, of course, not literally.
- What? - But we're all failed Catholics.
- That's, that's the very crux of the matter. - Yeah.
And speaking of adultery in terms of commitment, that anything, anything
that is less than a full commitment adulterates a marriage
or, as you would adulterate a substance, and if you adulterate a substance,
it makes it less than genuine. It makes, conversely it makes a marriage...
- Yeah, listen, Tony, the reason... - less than,
less than genuine.
If you adulterated this,
this wine in this flask, you would make it less than genuine,
- if you wanted to, it would be less than it is. - Look, Tony, the reason.
- Jesus. - That's the very crux of the matter.
And as such, we are failed, all of us.
I'm failed. I'm a failed, I'm a failed Catholic.
- Yeah. - You're a failed... The Pope himself is a failed Catholic,
- because who is able... - Look, what I wanted to ask you is this.
- Emulate the most perfect life... - God, please!
The most perfect life there is, which is the life of Jesus Christ Himself.
- Please. - No one is able to do that.
Tony, you've not changed one damned bit from 36 years ago.
I'm trying to tell you that I've got to talk to you. I committed a mortal sin!
Well, if you've got to talk to me, then get it off your chest.
Listen to me. Can I use your phone?
Ha.
You're a cop-out, Harvey.
Hello, this is Harvey Fairchild.
- Is the doctor there, please? - Harvey Fairchild.
Yeah, this is, this is Harvey Fairchild. Is the doctor there, please?
This is Harvey Fairchild.
No, I know this is the exchange,
would you please tell him that I've got...
- This is Harvey. - Look, I don't care if he's in surgery.
This is an emergency.
- Failed Catholic. - You tell him to stay there. I'm coming over.
I'll tell you later.
Good luck, Harvey.
You have to have someone with you, when you lie back down.
Dr. Romanis.
- All right, Doctor... - Yeah, Keith Romanis.
- Nurse! Nurse! - Somebody help us, please.
Would you page him? Keith Romanis. Thank you.
Come on. It's going to be all right. Right this way.
Paging Dr. Romanis.
Paging Dr. Romanis, please.
Here we go.
Dr. Alan Walker, third floor west, stat.
Hey, give me a hand with this. I need an inhalation therapy. Right now!
Could you possibly hurry up? This is an emergency, okay?
Take it easy. He'll be here. I just paged him.
All right, on the left. Come on.
- Harv? - God.
- Jesus, God, can I see you? - Yes, please. Yes.
- Right in here. - Okay?
- Whereabouts? - Right in here. Right in here.
- Hey emergency. - Hey, hey, I'm moving.
Here we go.
Damn hurry.
God. God.
What the hell is it? I don't know. It's in my crotch.
I don't know if it's skin cancer or venereal or what.
It's burning and itching.
Drop your pants and jump up on the table.
God, how could it happen so fast.
How could you get something venereal?
Getting my fortune told.
- What? - Never mind.
My God, that's terrible.
That's the worst case I've ever seen. Of what?
- Crabs. - Crabs?
I hope you know I gave up my Sunday sailing for you, old buddy.
And I hope you know how much it's appreciated, old buddy.
Are you going to tell her tonight?
That depends on what you tell me.
Damn it!
Shit!
- Where are my cufflinks? - Top drawer.
Nope. I looked there. No cufflinks.
- Honey, they were there two days ago. - I looked in the top drawer.
There are no cufflinks in the top drawer, right?
Wrong.
Why didn't you say that top drawer?
- Mother? - Come in.
- It's me. - Hi, Meggie.
Don't you look lovely.
- I don't feel lovely. - Pregnancy makes a woman look so radiant.
What can I do for you, darling? Shit!
Do you have a wrap or anything I can use in case it gets cold?
Sure. I can't guarantee it'll be blue.
- Anything. - I think I only have a black one that's any good, really.
Here.
It's not going to look very good, darling.
Just, just put it on if it gets cold, okay? Damn it!
Did you and, Larry kiss and make up last night?
No.
He went to sleep.
I mean, I can't blame him. I mean, I look like a blimp and
I get up six, seven times a night just to pee.
- It's not a turn on. - Medieval custom.
Christ's sake, you break your ass trying to get 'em in the shirt
and then you cover the shirt up with a jacket so they can't be seen.
- Nice shirt though, Harv. - Nice shirt.
- There you go, darling. - Thank you.
Just remember one thing, Meggie.
The last two months of pregnancy are the pits.
But it does have a beginning, a middle and an end,
and you're going to have something wonderful to show for it, hon.
But did you feel like this when you were pregnant?
Sure.
Especially with Josh.
Listen, pregnancy is the most important thing a woman does in her whole life
and you don't go to school for it, nobody tells you about it,
you're not taught anything.
But listen, I went and had two more kids after that.
So you know it's gotta have a happy ending.
Jesus, well, that did it. Hey, guess what?
Just guess what? I'm not going to go. I am not going to go out there
and face those people. God damn it, will you... Look at how I look!
Do you believe this? A beautiful jacket, haven't had it on for a while
and look how a person looks, Like an old waiter supposed to be in a retirement
home for Christ's sake! Or a turtle coming out of a shell.
Daddy, I think you look wonderful.
You what? Repeat that, would you darling?
I said, I think you look wonderful.
Happy birthday, Daddy. I think you look wonderful.
- So, now you can go down looking like an asshole... - Harvey!
In front of all the people!
What the hell are you trying to do to me?
What the hell is the use? What in the hell is the use?
- Honey, honey. It's okay. It's okay. - What's wrong with him?
I don't know, darling. He's like this every birthday, every Christmas.
No, this is different. This is different this time.
I mean, he hardly talks to me anymore. I don't even think he's excited about the baby.
You heard what he said last night.
- Honey, he didn't mean what he said last night. - Well, why did he say it?
Meggie, Meggie, don't get upset, sweetie.
He didn't mean what he said last night.
He doesn't mean what he's saying these days.
Really he doesn't.
I just think Daddy's having a very, very bad time right now,
but you mustn't let it worry you, darling. Let me deal with it.
The only thing you have to think about is Junior here
and don't you let anything in the world
interfere with that, okay?
Don't let it get you, hon.
Meggie,
it's just pregnancy, hon, believe me.
Well, I'm going to walk down.
Honey, you can ride down with us.
No, I think I'd like to walk.
- Darling, are you sure? - Yeah.
The fresh air will do me good.
Where's Megan?
She went on ahead.
Well, they're there. We're late.
Come on.
It's quite an estate, isn't it, driver?
Harvey Fairchild lives well.
Stop, please.
Young Lady, can I offer you a lift?
- Thank you, Father. - Please.
My name is Father Baragone.
- Megan Bartlet. - Megan?
If I'm not mistaken, you're Harvey Fairchild's daughter, aren't you?
How do you know my father?
- Hi, Megan! - Hi.
God, I hope I can handle this. I hope you can, too.
- My God, it's big enough. They'll see it in Catalina. - I'm glad you like it.
Hey, Harv, Happy Birthday. Hi, Ed.
- What the hell is that? - I thought we should have a fortune-teller,
so I've hired our resident Malibu psychic.
Well, hello.
Madam Carrie, this is my husband Harvey.
- Happy birthday, Harvey. - Yeah. Ha, ha, ha. Hot dog. Jesus!
- Happy birthday Harvey! - Hey, hey, how the hell are ya.
Goddamn it's been a long time!
Where have you people been? We haven't seen you for so long.
- Hey, we saw you Tuesday. What are you talking about? - Tuesday now?
I just wanted to see if you remembered. ! Happy birthday.
- Been waiting for you. Please see the cake. - The cake?
- Isn't this wonderful? - Hi, Gillian.
- It's absolutely terrific. - How are you?
Yeah, hi. How are you?
That's close. Nice to see you.
- Harvey, Happy Birthday. - Hey, hey, Tony, how the hell are ya?
This is Janice. This is Tony.
How do you do? Nice to meet you. Tony Baragone.
- And Father. He's a Father. This is my wife, Gillian. - How do you do, Father?
- Harvey! - Hi, Holly. How do you...
Happy birthday! You look so sexy.
- Tony. This is Tony. This is... - Hi, Gil.
- Hi Holly. - This is, this is, Holly.
- Yeah, we'll see you. Let's go, darling. - Just make yourself at home.
- Do you two know each other? - No.
Janice is it?
- And you asked Janice? - Janice? Well, I did? You did!
- I did not! - Well, I... What the hell! She is a client, dear.
Happy Birthday, Noonie.
Corey, I think everybody's here.
- You can tell them to start serving. - Okay.
Have you seen, Dr. Romanis?
No, no, I haven't seen him. I don't think he's here yet.
No.
Thank you.
Pardon me, madam, but might I have this dance?
- Josh, I don't feel like it. - Come on.
- Come on! - Go dance with the kid in the suit.
Please get tired.
Here it comes, you do that whacky two-step.
You know you're still my very favorite dancer.
Thank you, darling.
You're worried about Pop, aren't you?
- Yep. - Yep. So am I.
What, what's, what's bugging him?
I don't know, hon. Perhaps it's being 60.
Well, that's ridiculous. He has a picture-perfect life.
Well, I guess he doesn't think so.
Hey, Belmont. How are you, kid?
- Happy Birthday, Harv. - Thank you.
Did you hear what happened to Fred, right in the middle of his back swing?
They called paramedics... He's gone.
- He thought he was having gas. - My God.
Yeah.
What the hell's the matter with you? Your eyes, they're all bloodshot.
You look lousy.
How's your bowel movements? Hey, listen.
After 60 the first thing that goes is your bowel movements.
You know what happened to me? Remember?
Twelve o'clock at night, I'm standing there, dribbles, nothing.
The urologist's got a new technique, roto-rooter, it's a big long thing.
And it's got a little television camera on it and a knife.
And he puts it up your urethral canal.
And there's no incision, no, no scars, no nothing.
Where you can look over on, on a monitor and, yeah.
It can happen, bud. It can happen. Life's short, you know.
You had your fortune told lately?
- No. - Come with me. Come on.
- Where are we going? - Trust me.
- What do you mean, "trust me"? - Trust me.
- Trust? - This is something you're never going to forget.
- Great party, Harv. - Thank you, Harold.
You don't look a day over 60.
You never know what the future has in store, Belmont.
Now, you go into that tent and just ask for Madam Carrie.
But...
Madam Carrie. She's going to curl your toes.
Talk about a roto-rooter!
I'll have a bowl of vodka, please.
- Hey, Josh, you want to trade? - Why not!
- Good. - Hello.
I want to dance with my favorite mother-in-law.
So, Gil, who's the best dancer you know?
You are, Larry.
But at the risk of being an unpopular mother-in-law,
I think you should spend a little more time with your lady.
She's being very fragile right now.
Gil, I tried.
I know, hon.
Why don't you try again?
- Right now? - Why not? But I want a rain check.
You wouldn't care to dance with a lady, would you, kind sir?
Not right now, love.
Terrific party and I can't cut it anymore. I just...
God, I feel terrible.
Honest to God, sweetie, I've got to get the hell out of here.
I've got to go up to the house. So please.
Harvey, you go up to the house, right now, and I'm going, too.
And I don't mean up to the house, I mean forever.
What the hell is the matter with you?
Now, I know you're going through some kind of personal hell right now.
I know we have our problems.
You hate birthdays and you hate getting old and all of that.
But honestly, Harvey, I think you think you've got some kind of priority on those feelings.
I bet you there isn't a person in this room who isn't absolutely terrified
of their mortality.
- What the hell... - You better face something, my friend. You better face it.
We are all going to die one day.
Now, it seems to me you have three choices.
You can take your own life. That's a stupid and vicious thing to do,
and what kind of a legacy is that to leave your kids,
Or, you can look at what's right under your very nose, which is that you have three
beautiful children who adore you.
You have a wife who happens to think you're the best thing since
chopped liver. You can take my hand. Let me be your mate.
You can be my mate. Let us be equals.
We'll go through the time we have left together,
side by side and face it, Harvey, or you can do what you have been doing,
which is being a child, sulking, pissing it all away.
Just acting so dumb it's ridiculous. You can do all of that,
that'll be just fine, but you'll be doing it without me,
because that is not the man I married and it's not the man I want. Okay?
Hi, it's just me.
Do you know I remember the time when you used to smile all the time?
Come on, now. You can do better than that.
I also remember the time we used to sit and have a big cup of tea and just talk.
I miss that.
Corey.
I promise you tomorrow, come hell or high water,
we will find the time to sit and have a nice cup of tea.
Good.
By the way, when do you want me to bring Harv's cake in?
I guess now is as good a time as any.
You better go in. You're gonna catch a cold, sweetheart.
- Okay. - I'll go get it.
There we go. All right! Andre, do me a favor.
- Would you go in and cut out the lights. - Okay.
How about you? Would you help him?
All right, Harv, here we come.
Happy Birthday.
Don't help me!
Wait! You got to make another wish!
I wish you'd shut up.
All right.
- Killer! - All right.
Happy birthday. All right.
See, Andre.
Darling.
I can tell. You're upset.
Please, look at me. My God, I love you. I would be dead without you.
- Mr. Fairchild. - I might, I might be existing,
- but not living, I... What? - Hi, Mrs. Fairchild.
I'm Jesse Grant, George's son.
- George's son? - Yeah!
- How about that? - And this is my girlfriend, Lisa.
- Lisa. How are you? - Hi. Good to meet you.
We just wanted to wish you a happy birthday.
- Well, thank you. You've done it. - Have a good time.
- Thank you. Lovely party. - Thank you, Lisa.
Thank you. Bye-bye.
Look, I'm sorry that I was dumping on you, darling. Harvey!
- And I swear to you... - Have some birthday cake.
Happy birthday.
- Thanks. - What the hell is...
Where was I?
Look, it's your fault.
I don't believe this.
Ladies and gentlemen, your attention please.
This evening, you know, would not be complete if we didn't get one song from Gillian.
- So how about it? - Yeah.
- No, Harvey. Honey, listen to me. - Come on you have to!
Anyway, it's all your fault, because I knew all along you'd never leave me.
No matter how much of an imbecile I was because I'm too adorable.
Give me your cake.
This is dear of you.
I've had an allergy for about week now, and I don't know if I can even sing.
Come on.
If I did, it would be about two octaves lower, and you wouldn't like that.
One song, please.
Go ahead. Go ahead.
Andy. About A flat? Something like that.
Hold that for me please, Joe.
Please excuse me just a minute. Play something, Joe.
Does that mean what I think it means?
It's benign.
The pathologist is a big fan of yours. You made his day.
God.
- No mistake? - No.
- You're sure? - Hiya, Keith.
Keith, thank you!
Hey, dear. Hey, darling, what the hell is going on?
Harvey.
Come with me, hon.
Holly, is something wrong?
No, Father, something's right.
Come on. I'll buy you a drink.
You have two restaurants?
No, in fact, I have three restaurants.
I'm opening another one in Santa Monica.
God, I've always wanted to own a restaurant. What kind?
It doesn't matter. Are you having an opening?
No, Father, I'm not Catholic. I never have been. But I love God.
But I did love God, until I met this guy I married for 10 minutes.
He said, "Fuck you. You asshole."
I'm probably gonna be punished by a God I don't even believe in, but...
- That's rather a salty speech. - I lost my faith until I saw you tonight.
I wasn't sure whether it was the collar or...
- My dear... - Confessionally speaking...
- you realize that this collar means celibacy. - I'm very sexually
- attracted to you and... - I've taken the vow.
Well, so have I. Many, many times, and, my God, but if we made love,
you could give me absolution.
You remind me of someone I knew at, in college.
Good. Were you attracted to her?
Yeah, I was.
Well, you know I knew this guy that broke my sister's nose,
when I was a kid. And I always thought that's why he became a priest.
- You see there is... - And he tied her up in a chair and it was like,
you know, I thought he was overcompensating.
What did it feel like?
It was just like an irritation at first, darling.
Jesus, that's what I've had for about a week, on the right side.
- Yeah? - Just a little.
Well, hold it. Let me see. Open up.
Yes. Now that could be serious,
unless you keep your mouth shut at least for a week.
Do you mind if I dance with your wife? Just nod yes.
- I get to dance with you next. - All right.
- Mom? - Yep?
- Everything all right? - Fine.
Harvey, I am so happy. Father Baragone told me
you've come back to the church and I thought, just the three of us, a nice little retreat.
- And if that doesn't appeal to you let me sell your house. - No.
I'm not kidding you, Harvey, I could get you and Gil a cozy little cottage for two.
- No kids. Just me dropping by. - Excuse me.
- Larry. - How are you, love?
Fine.
Listen, I know you want to apologize
for the rotten way you've been treating me lately.
- Not necessary. - Do you forgive me?
I'll tell you something else. I know just what I want the kid to call me.
- What's that? - Grandpa.
- Daddy. - Harvey, you've such beautiful ears.
- I love your ears. - She loves my ears.
- Thanks, Harv. - Yeah.
- Thanks. - Okay.
The best is yet to come.
What about your ears?
I don't know. That's the strangest...-
Hey. Excuse me.
Darling?
- You know what I want you to do for me tonight? - What's that?
Gargle with some warm water and salt.
No, don't laugh! I know what I'm talking about. That works.
My God, we're going on our second honeymoon.
I don't want you getting sick on me.